Who am I?
There’s this claim that’s been going on about me, that I am fairly emotionless, that I present some stoic or 1-dimensional personality when I’m around people. And to a certain degree, I can understand it.
I emote when I’m happy but besides that, I don’t really express my anxieties, my distress, my anger, my conflict with those around me. Not counting my girlfriend or therapist, one of which I pay to listen to me (you guess).
I’m not entirely sure what’s expected from me. I work on my issues on my own, it’s a complicated matter that I’d rather have some privacy for. I suspect that this need arose from my family setting, where we weren’t allowed to express our most complicated emotions without being shut down or physically abused.
Part of me wants to undo it, wants to show people what I’m really going through. It might offer relief, a refreshing honesty that I can bring to my everyday life. But it also causes more fear and stress. What if they hate me for it? What if they come for me when I let my guard down? I realize this fear shouldn’t define what I show to the world, that the fear itself is much more monumental than the consequence I could face.
That logic doesn’t stop it from being anymore real and any more challenging. I wish someone could help shoulder this fear but I think I need to do it myself. Or maybe letting people in might actually relieve the weight.
I don’t know. It feels clear at this moment, but in the moments I need that clarity, it escapes me and I shut down. I hate shutting down. I just wanna be me. I hope I get there some day.
